I watched Miss Americana last night and I’m having a hard time getting past one of the last interviews Taylor gave in the documentary. She was passionately talking about reframing ideas she has about what it means to be a woman by challenging negatively constructed female archetypes (the bitch, the slut, etc.) It was awesome. And then…she apologizes.
“Sorry…that was a soapbox.” Taylor catches herself and IMMEDIATELY says, “why did I say sorry?” to which the interviewer responds, “because we are trained to say sorry.”
Taylor then parodies herself, poking holes in the ridiculousness of apologizing for something that didn’t warrant one. And it didn’t. She was enthusiastically speaking about a topic she seemed knowledgable and interested in, in her own house that she bought with her money from songs she wrote about her life to an interviewer for a documentary about herself. The fact that she apologizes is actually insane. And she seemed to know it.
But a lot of us do that, don’t we? Especially women.
I think it’s likely we’ve been conditioned to apologize for any slight inconvenience we feel we might impose—not because we are always actually sorry—but because we’ve been taught to try and make other people comfortable, sometimes at our own expense.
Which brings me to a major theme of the documentary: the call to be a “good girl.” Taylor says, “my entire moral code, as a kid and now, is a need to be thought of as ‘good.’” She describes her experience of seeking external validation and constructing her identity around achieving praise, approval and applause from others. She explains how quickly and easily that came crashing down when it was taken away, causing her to question her value.
Although most people will never experience Taylor Swift-like stardom, the desire for acceptance is universal. Most people can relate to the idea of seeking external validation. It doesn’t have to be winning a Grammy or having millions of Instagram followers. It could be getting a college degree, making a certain amount of money, getting a promotion, buying a house, having a baby, etc. Of course there is nothing wrong with any of those things—but the idea that the grass is greener doesn’t hold up and achieving those things only for the expected positive reinforcement will ultimately prove to be an unsustainable way to cultivate self-worth.
What I find most interesting and important to highlight is the reward/condemnation trap that exists for women with regard to their appearance, their age, and their ability to be uncontroversial and likeable: the praise women receive for being young, thin, pretty, and charming versus the fear that exists for women to be anything other than those things, because ultimately, there is a price to pay for bulldozing female expectations.
There are some obvious examples of this in the documentary. Taylor describes receiving positive reinforcement for being “nice,” staying quiet about political issues, and fitting into sample size dresses. “A nice girl doesn’t force their opinion on people. A nice girl smiles and waves and says thank you. A nice girl doesn’t make people feel uncomfortable with her views,” she explains. She also acknowledges the unspoken but seemingly obvious expiration date that exists for women in her profession, highlighting the asset her youth has been thus far.
Conversely, she was confronted with a pregnancy rumor early in her career when a photo showed her tummy sticking out ever-so-slightly (like all tummies will) which ultimately, she explains, contributed to her poor body image and disordered eating behaviors. We also see a pretty intense conversation where she receives heavy pushback regarding speaking up on a political issue . And she explains that she worries about whether she will be able to make her career sustainable as she ages. “As I’m reaching thirty I’m like, ‘I want to work really hard...uhm...while society is still tolerating me being successful.’”
The documentary highlights, through the lens of a pop star, an omnipresent message that most women recieve: stay young, stay small, stay pleasing.
This isn’t just an expectation for Taylor Swift; it’s a ubiquitous female experience in my opinion. It’s no wonder we are constantly apologizing. “I’m sorry” is the buffer between who we are and who we are taught we’re supposed to be.
Towards the end of the documentary Taylor acknowledges that it felt good to not be “muzzled” but admits that being muzzled was her own doing. She said she needed to learn before she spoke. What’s problematic, in my opinion, is when women learn but don’t speak. Adult women can’t rely on the world to change without changing their own behavior…without changing the way they operate in the world. So I am going to work on my own apologizing when it’s not needed. Because apologizing for things I don’t need to be sorry for is only perpetuating a false belief that there is less space for girls to make mistakes, and be loud, and messy, and opinionated. And girls should be allowed to be all of those things without having to be sorry for it. Girls should be allowed to break free from the restrictions of being a “good girl.”
Taylor said it best when, instead of apologizing, she asked for forgiveness (I believe from her father) for doing something she felt passionately about that he didn’t want her to do: “I need you to forgive me for doing it. Because I’m doing it.”
With the exception of that dude proposing to his girlfriend in front of Taylor and Taylor transporting her cat in a backpack…the documentary was great.
